I Lost My Mind On The Way to Your Heart
by alien09
Summary: You aren't the only one whose broken Roy. Post-finales. Roy/Alice. One-shot.


Alice hugs her arms to herself, watches Truckee mount the black stallion Roy had given to him. Her son remains withdrawn, forlorn against the brown and green dotted mountains that rise up in the background.

She doesn't really blame Truckee for feeling the same way she does.

Now that the blood and death had been swept away by the dry, hot wind, La Belle carried on the same way it did when it lost all it's men. Sheriff McNue made a point to check in on her every so often. Alice can't miss the looks of muted longing he sends her way and doesn't know what else to do but step away each time he reaches for her.

* * *

Roy's touch still lingers and ghosts across her skin.

Roy looks out across the vast ocean and swipes a hand across his brow, feels the sweat catch across his skin.

His brother and his wife – _his brother_ – have built a neat, tidy colonial home near the ocean. Roy feels both at home and out of place in this new life Jim has built himself. A part of him resents his brother for not trying hard enough to find him, for leaving him to have his life shaped by a man like Frank Griffin.

Martha, the small woman with a smile the size of the Colorado plains, loves Jim and by extension welcomed and loved Roy when he had showed up on their front door. Roy's thankful that Jim has found this woman to ground him, to lean on when times get tough.

It makes him wish for things he had thought better to leave behind.

The California air is humid and heavy, the sounds of the mine filtering through as a faint hum. The cinnabar being carried out has brought life to a once sleepy settlement, the main road a mass of miners and people each time the whistle blows at the end of the day.

He wonders if those men go home to a wife and children.

 _Alice kisses Truckee on the forehead, a press of lips to hair, as she motions for him to eat his dinner. She smiles softly at something her son says, a minute smile that barely quirks her lips. Roy wishes one day to see her truly smile and hopes he is the one to make her._

He wonders if he thinks of her as much as she thinks of him.

* * *

Alice doesn't know why she hasn't considered it beforehand.

She clutches the map Roy doesn't know she has, watches as Tess looks around the barn and shrugs her shoulders at Mary Agnes.

'You sure about this?' Mary Agnes asks.

'I'm sure. There isn't much left for me here in La Belle.'

'You heading back to Boston?'

Alice stares straight ahead, watches Iyovi gesture at Truckee to strap something down in the wagon Tess' money has gone towards. The satchels from Roy are hidden in the folds of her skirts.

'Something like that,' Alice murmurs. She turns to regard Mary Agnes who watches the school teacher ahead of them with plain affection painted across her face.

'You shouldn't be afraid of being who you are,' she finds herself saying, Roy's face dancing across her vision.

Mary Agnes doesn't say anything and Alice doesn't expect her to.

* * *

Two months and the memory of her refuses to leave him.

Roy leans against the fence of the livery Jim had helped him build. It's barely more than sticks and mud at this point but for Roy it's finally something he can call his own.

Jim and Martha hadn't taken well to Roy needing to find a place of his own. His brother mutters about being apart long enough and sometimes they both look at each other as if they see a ghost.

He's a short ride away but for Roy, the space has lifted something off his shoulders. The horses that board there provide solace to him in the way the ocean hadn't quite been able to.

'Hey Mr Goode, there's a lady out there saying she wants to call on ya,' the young boy he'd hired on ( _god he looks so much like Whitey_ ) hollers.

'What'd I tell you about yellin' Richie?' Roy ruffles his head, the boy rolling his eyes in response.

'She's right pretty. Don't know why she wants to see you,' Richie mutters mulishly and Roy lets it go. Richie's mostly on his own and Roy had taken him in when Richie had tried to lift his gun from his holster.

The woman has his back to him but he knows the fall of curls down her back, remembers the way it had felt between his fingers.

It feels like the airs been sucked out of his lungs and he doesn't know how long he stands there, staring at her. The moment is broken by Iyovi, who says something in Pauite that has Alice turning around.

Their eyes meet.

She looks afraid, hesitant of what to say or do.

'Ma'am?' Roy says and almost finches. _Alice_ is what he calls her in his dreams.

'It's Alice Roy,' she says and there is a quirk to her lips. He barely has time to comprehend her being in front of him when Truckee barrels into him, squeezes the life out of him.

'Woah there partner,' Roy says to the young man. Truckee stares at him with black eyes harder than what Roy remembers. He shouldn't have expected anything less than the fist that clips him across the jaw.

'That was for leaving her when she needed you,' Truckee hisses through his teeth.

* * *

Alice wanders through the small house Roy has built, taking in the sparse wooden floors and bare walls. There isn't anything personal that tells you someone lives here, that _Roy_ lives here.

She slipped away as Truckee and Roy were glaring defiantly at each other, Iyovi singing her hunting song for some reason.

'It isn't much,' Roy's voice startles her and she jumps, hates that she has. She looks at him out of the corner of her eye, drinks in the sight of him. He's more tan and there are more lines scored across the edges of his eyes but there is a peace to him she wishes she could gather up into her arms and never let go.

'It's something though.'

A beat of silence.

'How did you find me?'

Alice chews her lip, sighs. She lifts the map out of her pocket and places it on the table between them, steps and twists away so she can't see his face when he recognizes the map.

'I was wonderin' where this went.'

She can feel the panic build inside of her. Why had she done this? Why was she even here?

'I don't – did you come here for _me_ ma'am?'

He can't even say her name.

* * *

Roy stares at the ceiling, the solid weight of Alice brushing by him earlier making him sure he wasn't dreaming. He can hear Truckee's soft snores, hears Iyovi tapping her feet outside the house. He's spread out with the boy in the small living area just off the front door, Iyovi and Alice in the room with the bed.

The scream – when it comes – startles him off the floor and into the room before he realizes what he's doing. Alice is twisted in the sheets, eyes screwed shut and tears on her face.

'Mum?' Truckee whispers.

'Go on son, I've got her,' Roy pushes Truckee out forcefully as another scream fills the air. He shuts the door and approaches Alice warily.

'Ma'am, ma'am,' he hums. 'Alice.'

His hand on her shoulder jolts her awake, sucking and gasping for air. She's clutching the white nightgown between her fingers, between her breasts.

He remembers the thick scar that runs down her chest.

'Hey there. It's alright.'

She blinks rapidly and looks as if she doesn't realise where she is.

'You're near the New Almadean Mine in California, at my house. I'm Roy, Roy Goode,' he says carefully. He remembers Frank being this way whenever he had one of his night terrors.

'Roy?' She sighs and there is something broken and fragile that makes his heart flare.

'Yes ma'am.'

'I really wish you would stop calling me that,' Alice utters and Roy pretends not to hear as he sits himself gingerly next to her.

'You okay?'

Alice looks away to some point off his shoulder.

'Why did you leave?'

* * *

She can tell her question startles him. He opens and shuts his eyes as if he's wading through molasses.

Alice swallows the bile in her throat, the feel of those men still crawling across her skin.

The scar between her breasts throbs.

'I thought it was better that I did.'

'And you asked Bill McNue to look after us.'

'I did,' Roy swallows. 'Saw the way he looked at you. Figured after a while he'd wear you down and-'

'I don't need Bill McNue to look after me. I've done fine on my own,' Alice interrupts mulishly.

Roy holds his hands up in surrender. 'I don't doubt that. I got a scar on my neck to prove it.'

Alice frowns, flexes her fingers against the blanket.

'Look Alice I told you before I'm no good. I can't read, I can barely write. You were better off with someone like-'

'Shut up,' Alice hisses through her teeth.

'I'm not anyone important enough to-'

'Didn't I tell you to stop talking?' Alice says again, this time more loudly. 'You think I would sell my ranch, trek across this godforsaken country for _no one_?'

Roy can't meet her eyes.

'I came for the man who protected La Belle. I came for the man who taught my son to ride a horse. I came for the man who learned to read and told me thank you.' Alice watches him, his green eyes cast down on the floor.

'You are more than Frank Griffin just as I am more than a widow Roy Goode.'

'You just…you deserve someone better than what I can give you.'

'You aren't the only one whose broken Roy,' Alice tells him and her voice cracks. His finger traces her collarbone and Alice stills. The nightgown gapes lower as he traces his fingers down to her scar.

'Who did this to you?'

Alice gathers her nerves, releases a shaky breath. His fingers dance up and down her scar, before tracing the curve of her breast.

'It doesn't matter,' Alice stutters.

'It does to me,' Roy tells her and the green in his eyes darkens to the damp moss underneath the forest floor.

She grasps his hands and they study each other.

'I ain't leaving unless you tell me to.'

Roy turns her words over in his head and then squeezes the fingers that are intertwined with his.

'Don't reckon I'd be stupid enough to do that twice.'

Her lips stretch back and Roy finally gets his wish and sees Alice smile, teeth flashing and eyes lit up.

'Good,' is all she says and something warm settles in her chest.

She doesn't say _I love you_ but the way he's looking at her, she doesn't think either of them has to.


End file.
